Another moment that changed my life.

On July 3rd, seven weeks ago, I suffered a very unusual series of events which included an injury to my abdomen.
Three days later complications drove me to call my doctor, and soon I found myself lying in a local emergency room, with Linda sitting next to me.
I was being told that the CT scan results were back.
The doctor, quietly and gently told us that there "was no serious trauma to the stomach from your injury, but the scan reveals a large solid mass on your left kidney which is worrisome for cancer and a thickening of the bladder wall with a possibility of a mass".
I remember staring at the lights on the ceiling and thinking, "is this real?"
The first reaction is always doubt, you are sure you heard the news wrong.
Through the fog, I heard Linda asking, "could you repeat that"?

He did, and gave the same news.

Time has passed.
I have been poked and prodded and probed in the most private of places.
I have been x-rayed, squeezed, coughed, hooked to an EKG, had blood drawn and peed in a dozen cups.
I have spoken to specialists and joked with nurses during all of the above.
And I have sat for days on end worrying and questioning the reality of it all and the reason for the situation.
I used to joke about my heart disease and brag to anyone unfortunate enough to hear me that, "at least I know what is going to kill me".

Foolish words from a foolish man.

At first,
I wished I was somewhere else.
I wished it was all a dream.
I wished it was something else.
I wished it never happened.
I wished they had found it sooner.
I wished it was over.
I have wished a lot of things.

I decided to stop wishing.. and just start praying.

I ask God daily to teach me what I need to know.
And He has been gracious.
I can tell you this, when the doctor said to me, "you have a mass", things I thought were once important became trivial.
Those problems that I thought were huge, weren't.
The things I planned to do, were removed from the list. (Although I still have "Maine vacation" on my calendar for this week.)
The people I care about and love became even more important.
I focused (sometimes poorly) on getting through the next hour, the next minute, the next second without losing my mind.
I have had huge highs and deep lows.
And moments of tremendous, mind gripping fear.
Such as the fear of waiting weeks to find out if the "very large and ugly tumor" (the doctor's words) had spread it's cancer beyond the kidney to my lungs.

And so I prayed.

During those weeks I prayed for peace. I prayed for wisdom. And I prayed for comfort.
And at some point, during those prayers, God made me realize I cannot change the future by worrying.
And as I continue to focus on that thought, I gain a momentary peace.

A peace I cling to.

I also realize that in all of this, "God has gone before me".
The series of bizarre events that lead to a routine CT scan never had to happen.
But for reasons I can only credit to His infinite Grace, the scan did happen.
This could all have gone unseen until things became far worse.
Over time the cancer would spread, I would die.

It did not.  I have not.

Now I sit here waiting as patiently as I am capable.
I am thankful for many, many things.
Especially thankful for Linda.
She sees the tears in my eyes as I say "you don't deserve to be put through this".
And she tells me that, "we are one, we will go through this together".
I realize then that I am the luckiest man alive.

So, I am ready, ready to live one day at a time (or at least try).
I am now days away from surgery (see below).
 I am told I will "do fine" (again, the doctor's words).
Thank you to the many of you who knew about this and have offered help and more importantly, your prayers. And thank you to all those who read this and offer a prayer now.

You just never know what tomorrow will bring.

For those who want details:  
I am having a "radical Nephrectomy" of the left kidney on Monday morning. (22nd).
I am told I will have a one to two night stay in the hospital and then recovery at home.
There is no plan for radiation or chemotherapy due to the type of cancer.

"And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. 

He will be with you, 

He will not forsake you;

do not fear or be dismayed."